How did the scarecrow know he didn't have a brain?

Something I recently became aware of is rather disturbing. I discovered that I actually look at my brain as a person in its (his) own right. The sensible one? The collaborator, maybe..... my 'Id'.

It's actually like having a friend. A really close friend that absolutely no one knows but you.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this but..... well..... we have these 'chats' all the time. Over the years it's just been called 'talking to yourself', which in essence is what it is. But my brain answers me. It sometimes disagrees with me. And we argue... Like long term lovers.

And I find myself telling it things it must already know.

It was there...

It asks me how my day was. Am I seeing anyone? Should I take a holiday etc? and I ANSWER IT.

Now before you call the taxi to cart me off to the lunatic asylum, be fair... at least I don't talk to it out loud. Well, not when I'm out anyway.... Seriously, I have no doubt of its ascendancy and I mentally bow in its shadow because without the help and support of him I would be as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. He's grown with me like a trusty wart and feeds me the information that I need to know, as I've got older.

In fact, four weeks into gestation my brain cells started sorting themselves out. I'm 37 and I can't sort out breakfast in the mornings. Go figure. I'm not the smart one. HE is. It's okay - we can talk about the squishy one.... He's asleep I think...

But He puts forward these..... lets say..... 'opportunities' to me. I swear to you, this is no lie - it's a tad embarrassing but it's important to say - I was on a train the other day and my brain suggested I grabbed this woman's breast. Just like that - out of the blue. I was bloody horrified. And of course I didn't but.... where in holy hell did that come from? Because 'I 'wouldn't think it. Because ‘I’ wouldn't want to do it. And then didn't, which proves the theory. Q.E.D.

It's almost like a test every so often. I might be standing on a train platform and my brain drawls, "hey, if you just jumped or fell now." Ohmigod my brain is trying to kill me.

One of the good points about Mr Brain (why is it a man? I have no idea) is the fact that it makes me laugh. It must do. I can't do it alone. I can't tickle myself. Because scientists are so busy studying the negative problems with the brain like depression, there's hardly any information about why or how the brain can make you laugh. People don't have it 'diagnosed'- it’s not a clinical problem, so how can they learn about it? I mean, have you ever done to your doctor because you were laughing too much? Thinking about it - sitting in a doctors waiting room for more than an hour and I assure you, the laughing fit would have packed its bags and gone to Mozambique.

What should really be worrying me of course is the whole "schizophrenic" thing.
Some years ago one of my sisters was being tested for this, as she started hearing – not voices – but music – in her head at night. Really loud singing followed by a couple arguing. How odd. The doctors never discovered what it was but assuming depression or stress.

Well, let me make it a bit less worrying. Its not 'voices' per se, for me. There aren’t loads of them. They don't have accents. It's just the one. It's Him...... in fact He's just woken up because He's just this minute told me to tell you this:

"Auditory verbal hallucinations, the 'voices in your head' that schizophrenics often hear, are usually male". Thanks for that brain. That helps a bundle.